Saturday, August 05, 2006
The Games People Play
Yesterday's Friday School lesson was about following the Prophets. (#29-If I was computer savvy, I could drop in a hot link to Ted Gibbons lesson at ldsliving.com, but I can only recommend you look it up yourself, it's a great lesson) Once again, I feel like a giant hypocrite to be teaching such a lesson. I surely wasn't following the Prophet and his servants (my Bishop and my parents) 30 years ago when I married a Muslim. But there I stood yesterday, the poster girl for "Don't marry outside the Church/Covenant" trying to teach others the principles of following the prophet. I made some comment about not beating myself up over past mistakes and to keep my eyes focused on my present and future levels of obedience to try to cover for my discomfort.
Later that night I was playing computer games. I was listening and singing along to a great CD "Hymns of Faith", but my mind was still full of doubts about my ability to teach this class. What is it about computer solitary games and negative thoughts? I know when I play computer games, part of my mind plays the game and the other part becomes a playground for negative thoughts... Weird, huh. I can set there for hours (sadly) snowballing, mulling over my every flaw, feeling inadequate for everything. I'm not usually a negative person, but somehow, when my mind is blank and unoccupied, the negative thoughts have a field day in all that empty space. Even the great music wasn't enough to stop this damaging mind game I play.
Well, I guess, I know where this blog is going. I've got to be super careful to limit my computer game time. When I feel the blame and shame game starting to kick in, it's time to turn off the computer. I know thoughts of guilt or remorse should lead us to repentance, but that is all they are good for. I've repented for my mistake 30 years ago. (I plead temporary insanity in the court of God and threw myself at the mercy of the Judge.) Now, I need to stop the guilt and insecurity since feelings of despair and inadequacy serve no one but Satan. And that's one master I never want to have.
Later that night I was playing computer games. I was listening and singing along to a great CD "Hymns of Faith", but my mind was still full of doubts about my ability to teach this class. What is it about computer solitary games and negative thoughts? I know when I play computer games, part of my mind plays the game and the other part becomes a playground for negative thoughts... Weird, huh. I can set there for hours (sadly) snowballing, mulling over my every flaw, feeling inadequate for everything. I'm not usually a negative person, but somehow, when my mind is blank and unoccupied, the negative thoughts have a field day in all that empty space. Even the great music wasn't enough to stop this damaging mind game I play.
Well, I guess, I know where this blog is going. I've got to be super careful to limit my computer game time. When I feel the blame and shame game starting to kick in, it's time to turn off the computer. I know thoughts of guilt or remorse should lead us to repentance, but that is all they are good for. I've repented for my mistake 30 years ago. (I plead temporary insanity in the court of God and threw myself at the mercy of the Judge.) Now, I need to stop the guilt and insecurity since feelings of despair and inadequacy serve no one but Satan. And that's one master I never want to have.
